Oxytocin

Can't wait til I get this out of my system
Can't wait til I'm over these symptoms
I can't wait to see what I feel like, without butterflies
Almost rid of these feelings I caught
Almost ready to give logic a thought
Time to be honest, and then sort through the lies
Who am I, when I'm not chemically unbalanced
What more can I say when I've revealed all of my talents
There's gotta be more to me then what you hear in 3 weeks
Any day now you're gonna see a change in me
Hopefully that person isn't stranger than me
Maybe at that point you can decide if you will leave
This hormonal masque is not mine to control
I'd get it removed if that was possible
Don't figure me out yet, I swear I might be better
I hope you haven't had this same reaction
Hopefully this is all a surreal attraction
Cause I haven't met someone like you, not ever
This is me speaking beyond being weak in the knees
I'm in here I promise, and soon you will see
I've got layers and I want you to see the core
I keep telling myself tomorrow you will be you
And then he can want you cause you're not a fool

You find that you are actually much, much more
And other feelings move in
And the doubt grows thin
And this time you can win
If only you can swim
Avoid the sharks, get past bad trips
Start to rebuild, and have a relationship
One that survived the oxytocin in your mind
And you realize
You are just fine, nothing can go wrong
The facts aren't correct, but you're right where you belong
In his arms, in his shelter, Cause he lost the illusions too
And this time, when you love, you will see it through
Blinds block light, and now the sun shows in the cracks
See, love can disappear like light, but always finds it's way back

Using your heart and not your head to know what is in the stars
Thank you for sticking through the temporary state of me
I love just who you are

The Great Pretender.

(Play the music first)
   Shigeru Umebayashi - George's Waltz(1) by Xesxpress
i'll sit here and remember that in some parallel universe I'm having a good time. i'm the bell of the ball and everyone adores me. i'll sit here and know that it's from the exhaustion, excessive social statuses will do that to you. i'm not alone, i have no worries and i look amazing. this is definitely my color.
     i will wake up in the morning and remember all the eventful things that happened to me. yawn, roll to the floor. smile. something smells good. make my way to the bathroom, shower, shave, shimmer. floss and then for good measure use mouthwash. i look pretty today. i haven't called myself pretty in quite sometime.
     fresh clothes, right out of the dryer. no static or anything. check my phone. of course, 10 missed calls, 6 new texts, and 8 new updates. i forgot how popular i was. in due time i will respond and await their responses. cause that's how responsible i am. then i will slip on my jeans. they fit perfectly now. pull up my socks. my best shoes. they have character. pick out a light jacket and set it next to the door. it's perfect weather right now. but just in case.
     fix my hair. first to the left, then to the right. doesn't matter, either way i am fashion forward and photo op ready. once more i smile in the mirror, not in vain, but in assurance. today i look pretty.
     grab a dab of cologne and head to my desk. keys, house keys, chapstick and i'm pretty much ready.
 fix the bed. i remember i used to share this bed.
 head to my car. it really is a wonderful day full of wonderful things to do. so many people to see in such a short amount of time. 24 hours is not enough.
      they need me though. i make them feel better, i make them smile. i tell them they look beautiful today. be happy, it's a good day, look at this weather we are having!
   get in the car, full tank, favorite song happens to pop up on my ipod. i sing along, the music compels me to.
no passenger. not yet.
there used to be a full time one. but he's gone now. i'm going to have a great day. i start the car and memories flood back.

  I wasn't always alone at night. I didn't always have to keep myself occupied and distracted with other things. I have a great time, but I used to have a better time. I remember when an hour of cuddling was all I needed to sleep peacefully. He didn't even have to hold me past the first ten minutes. His smell alone could make me forget what my favorite smell was. I recall staring at the indentation where he slept and knew he would fill it as soon as he got back from the bathroom. I remember couple showers. I remember what it felt like to think of his name and smile. I remember what love was. And now I know what it feels like to only remember. Not experience anymore. To not be alone, but feel desperately lonely.
He is gone, I hate going to sleep not because I'm in this queen size bed for one, but because waking up without him by my side breaks my heart. There is too much blanket, too much space, too much empty wall.
I am the great pretender because today we are having good weather and that's all my friends need to see.
     All anyone needs to know is that I'm okay and today I am pretty.
And no one has to know that I mask missing you.
And that I pretend you are still here.

Sooooo... long time since I just posted some writing. Welp here we go. Today is a Saturday. I am not out. I'm not going out and for how I am at the time, I'm okay with that. More than anything I am missing right now. Missing a certain someone that is. I met someone and boy, let me tell you, feelings are funny little fuckers. The last time I had feelings this strong I got a whirlwind of a relationship. Not to say that these are the same butterflies- noooo after a while I stuck the lid on that jar and those ones died and ashed out. These are brand new spankin ones, and when I say new I mean it. They have me all sorts of stirred up. I find myself smiling for no reason, picking trash off the streets, drinking water instead of soda out of the public eye cause now I want to look good.
For him of course. I'm listening to happier tunes, I'm reading happier blogs. I want to practice my good laugh to mask my dork laugh cause it's embarrassing! I want to go see him, gas prices are GRRR but sometimes they mean GRRREAT! I get to go see him cause of wonderful gas!
Food is a bit sweeter, air is a bit fresher, and I am sooo inspired again. I find better songs, and better moves, and have someone to share them with- if I get the guts that is. I believe my worst critic is me, but to share something with him, I know I would be explaining all the mess ups, or the lack of fluidity, the speed, and I'd probably be holding something the entire time hoping he's not bored out of his gull! Funny it seems how just one tiny person can conjure up such emotions.
These emotions have stayed dormant for too long though. I'm ready for romantic exploration again. I think he can bring out things in myself that maybe I was reserving for being independent. Strong willed and with the attitude that I "just don't need anyone!". Well the harsh truth is Jon always feels he needs someone. Jon shouldn't try and block people to save face. And Jon should stop referring to himself in the third person.
Music is on in the background as I write. It's instrumental. Very soothing. Very sad. Life of Bees when she dies. It's calming. I don't get sad, I think... can he play this, he's so multi- talented. There are no words to describe the music, just like there isn't much I can say that isn't cliche about how I feel.
In my head... it's all him. I was scared for a long time about what a real relationship could be. Could effect me. I think people underestimate the feeling of "longing". And I do. It's the first time in a long time where I feel absolutely vulnerable again. Am I silly to put so much faith in one person to not hurt me?
We've all been there, where last time WAS the last time. And we love so easily and love so hard. After break ups and tested romance it's difficult to build back up the confidence and definitely the faith. So do I just let it go, let myself try again.
I want to lay with you, I want you to fill up my morning shadows
Peace is with me when you are next to me
Or in my bathroom
Either way, I have fond memories
Such a sweet person to gaze upon
And yes, I gaze
Cause it helps me catch my breath and realize what luck I have come upon
I can't mess this up. I like being happy
Lay with me?

Album Review: Adele- 21

Very few full length albums have kept my attention. Occasionally someone will put out a cd and maybe a few tracks at best will stay on rotation. Eventually they will fade and I will move on to different things. Well, I found a woman who has changed that. My history with Adele spawns back a LOOOONNGGG time ago, about the same time I got into Amy Winehouse and so did the rest of the world. I felt like I was just one step ahead before everyone else caught on. Well out came Amy and her antics and then the British soul invasion (pt. 3) ala Amy, Duffy, Adele, Gabrielle, Kate Nash, Lily Allen... and then there was Adele. Little miss Adele Adkins, at first deemed the bigger version of Amy Winehouse. Well, she had a bigger voice to me anyways. Young and releasing "19" (her age at the time of conception) she released a few indie hits (Chasing Pavements, Hometown Glory) Both amazing vocals and simplicity. A booming voice with real stories behind them. Other standout tracks of that album include; First Love, Daydreamer, Melt My Heart to Stone, I'm Movin On.
After that she went on the DL circuit, did an amazing cover of Sam Sparro's "Black and Gold" which was also coming out of the shadows. Still we would have to wait quite some time before we heard any new material. Well.... Wait Worth While...

Tired

I'm gonna roll off to the side
And close my eyes
I don't wanna argue anymore
You can just pretend you won
Cause that's all that matters to you
My love

There was a time when we used to stop
There was a time when words were enough
But now it seems, there's a war

I'll give in and I'll give up
If we can save some hate for tomorrow
Cause I can't take anymore of it
There's plenty of pain for you to borrow
My eyes are sore, my ears are broke
I don't know how much more I can take
Can't we please just go to sleep my sweet
And we can pick up when we wake

You say you don't wanna do this to me
Then suddenly
You forget you spoke softly at all
Go on and yell at the top of your lungs
As long as in the end
All your madness is done

What do I have to say to make you stop
What else will make you calm enough
Cause now it just seems, you want a war


I'll give in and I'll give up
If we can save some hate for tomorrow
Cause I can't take anymore of it
There's plenty of pain for you to borrow
My eyes are sore, my ears are broke
I don't know how much more I can take
Can't we please just go to sleep my sweet
And we can pick up when we wake

The morning will come
Maybe I'll have the strength to argue back
Would you like that?
Want to see me angry as hell
Want to see me break things in two
Get loud and destroy the wee hours
Want to see me be like you....

I don't why I just take and take
Let's please just go to sleep
Sweety please
We can fall to pieces when we wake

So I haven't seen this show yet (for personal reasons) but I have come across a few clips, some very funny, and then some are like this..... And I'm not big on crying etc. but damn... this is why I don't watch clips like this.

My Flight Is at 4:45

Almost to the edge

Just enough to catch the scent of danger 

Not going back is almost incentive enough

For what is going back

But trying to renew a used and bruised past

With hurt feelings and tall ceilings

Echoing voices with no signs of healing

Can you believe I bought this place

Used to think walls could protect it all

Close the door, silence

Shut the blinds, darkness

Find a corner, be still

And still, is not going to shoo away

The shadows marking their territory outside of my house

Go back, go back

Away with you problems, I don't want to solve them

I just want to be stolid

Void of my passions, and emotions

Clouded notions with no clarity- despair- empathy

Lusting in my desires, and Desiring to be content

Find me a cliff with a view and spring mists that blend with dried tear residue

Such a dramatic fanatic of monologue

If only to set the stage for a one time only fall

O, the worries it could solve

Almost to the edge

If only his airplane had holes

Evaporate

Can't wait to evaporate
And travel the air

Following the dust path you left me

Hansel style

Handsome smile

For what is distance but miles and minutes

Crossroads, booth tolls, potholes, inevitable

I'll get there and collect stories to tell

Under stars and hills I used to know so well

Drop anchor and bend grass under my weighted back

That has waited to rest, on your fresh linen chest

I've got letters, I've got directions, I've got to get there

Please don't shift in hesitation

Not even Dante's Inferno could keep me

My longing runs too deeply

Brazen battered battle arm limbs limp loosely to salvation

Please be patient

You're only 2,842 miles, and 2 days, six hours, and 12 seconds away

Away, away, a little bird said free your body to the wind

Let it carry you to him

Use those constellations as a guide

Twinkle twinkle refuses not to burn

For what is burning without desire

What is procrastination but tired

No matter how tired, I will no longer wait

I'll be with you when I master how to evaporate

The Ex Words.

Well, there are just those days when the unexpected becomes more than the expectation you had. And sometimes they become the exception. Funny how those two words look so similar and have nothing in common but can change your whole view on something. Expectation... Exception.

Expectation: [ek-spek-tey-shuhn] -

the degree of probability that something will occur: "There is little expectation that he will come"; The standards for which one holds others up to.

 

Exception: [ik-sep-shuhn] - anything excluded from or not in conformance with a general rule, principle, class, etc       Well there you have it folks, the definitions of two different words. I have found that we all walk around with these expectations of what we want in people. And sometimes it's as deep as what we need in people.       "I need them to be handsome" "I need them to be responsible" "I need them to have great hair" "I need them to hold as much liquor as I do" " I need them to keep me on my feet" "I need them to give me my space" "I need them to have Facebook"So many needs and so little room left to see that we have ultimately put our dream person in a box; and that box happens to be a Chinese take out box (and just enough for pot stickers). We keep holding these expectations up and even when we get IN relationships the expectations linger. We need them to constantly be infallible. Anything else is unacceptable. So what do we do... we pull away. We force those we love to conform, to better suit us. If not then something must be wrong with them... or worse. Something must be wrong with me. :(But it's not you, it's not them, it's not the idea that romance and compromise can't share the same room. It's your past coming in and giving you all these ideas that the "expectations" should hold up in your love. We set these great standards for what could become great people in our lives and when they fail miserably we wonder, how did I not see that coming. There are some folk out there that give their all, and when the shit hits the fan, smack themselves V8 style. All the efforts and work, and here we are, alone at last. But genuinely ALONE. It's the expectations. The standards people are placing on surrounding folks and that you also have set only because what.... you don't want to make another mistake, to be hurt, to lose parts of yourself to another being who you waste your efforts on. Well I got news for ya... the real world will not bend to your expectations and you will live a much more vibrant and accepting life if instead you try and start making "exceptions".Okay, they don't have those washboard abs you needed in a lover... big deal, bodies are bodies are bodies. Needed for warmth, care, the tender touch, and the occasional lovin in the bedroom. Their crazy antics, are just part of the personality you can get to know and eventually love. Comfort is never a sure shot right out of the box. It's about adjustment. Sure, have a few goals in mind, pick the right face, because without any vanity involved, attraction is key. It's going to help that adjustment part a lot in the future. When we start living with exceptions we realize we open the field a lot more. Not only are we discovering new people to enjoy in our lives, we realize we enjoy our own lives. How much we can share and divulge with another human being without scaring anyone away! We become the "exceptional human being". Yes, it's a risk, but in the game of life we have to take those and hope for the best. Otherwise we aren't putting people in that Chinese box anymore, we put ourselves in it. And the only one sitting in that box wondering how things got so lonely and dull is ones self. So open the box, let the butterflies look for some flowers, quit holding up such high expectations and just start seeing all the exceptions you could enjoy. It 's like going on a diet, but you know that Hot funnel cake is the exception. You won't ruin your diet with one cake, and when you bite into that creamy morsel and let it melt down your throat and satisfy your starved Italian stomach, you realize that some things are worth it. Isn't that Exciting. 

The Only One in Love

Keep Holding on to that
And tell me how it all works out
Tell me if you feel fulfilled
Let me know you are better now
When you find yourself alone
Remember to squeeze those pictures tight
Don't forget to breathe
If you want to make it through the night

Chorus:
Isn't fun when you're the only one who is crying
It has to be great to see the love you gave, dying
But don't resist, you wanted this
Don't you recall it being enough
Don't complain when you find out that
You're the only one, in love

Miss them now, and miss them then
Think of all the new discoveries
I know you wanted an instant fix
No one told you it was a slow recovery
How dare they suggest you move on
How dare they insist you be strong
You know he's coming back one day
You've invested too much to be wrong

Chorus

No one knew you like he did
No one knows him, you're sure of it
He thinks of you and wants to come back
He made a mistake you're sure of that
He can make up for all the time he wasted
Calling new numbers and seeing new faces
He can realize, he can clarify
He can mend all this pain and heartache somehow
Well if he can do all that
Why doesn't he, just fix, you right now?

Chorus

Keep holding on to that, see if he still cares
Tell me you feel fulfilled, knowing he won't be there