Sooooo... long time since I just posted some writing. Welp here we go. Today is a Saturday. I am not out. I'm not going out and for how I am at the time, I'm okay with that. More than anything I am missing right now. Missing a certain someone that is. I met someone and boy, let me tell you, feelings are funny little fuckers. The last time I had feelings this strong I got a whirlwind of a relationship. Not to say that these are the same butterflies- noooo after a while I stuck the lid on that jar and those ones died and ashed out. These are brand new spankin ones, and when I say new I mean it. They have me all sorts of stirred up. I find myself smiling for no reason, picking trash off the streets, drinking water instead of soda out of the public eye cause now I want to look good.
For him of course. I'm listening to happier tunes, I'm reading happier blogs. I want to practice my good laugh to mask my dork laugh cause it's embarrassing! I want to go see him, gas prices are GRRR but sometimes they mean GRRREAT! I get to go see him cause of wonderful gas!
Food is a bit sweeter, air is a bit fresher, and I am sooo inspired again. I find better songs, and better moves, and have someone to share them with- if I get the guts that is. I believe my worst critic is me, but to share something with him, I know I would be explaining all the mess ups, or the lack of fluidity, the speed, and I'd probably be holding something the entire time hoping he's not bored out of his gull! Funny it seems how just one tiny person can conjure up such emotions.
These emotions have stayed dormant for too long though. I'm ready for romantic exploration again. I think he can bring out things in myself that maybe I was reserving for being independent. Strong willed and with the attitude that I "just don't need anyone!". Well the harsh truth is Jon always feels he needs someone. Jon shouldn't try and block people to save face. And Jon should stop referring to himself in the third person.
Music is on in the background as I write. It's instrumental. Very soothing. Very sad. Life of Bees when she dies. It's calming. I don't get sad, I think... can he play this, he's so multi- talented. There are no words to describe the music, just like there isn't much I can say that isn't cliche about how I feel.
In my head... it's all him. I was scared for a long time about what a real relationship could be. Could effect me. I think people underestimate the feeling of "longing". And I do. It's the first time in a long time where I feel absolutely vulnerable again. Am I silly to put so much faith in one person to not hurt me?
We've all been there, where last time WAS the last time. And we love so easily and love so hard. After break ups and tested romance it's difficult to build back up the confidence and definitely the faith. So do I just let it go, let myself try again.
I want to lay with you, I want you to fill up my morning shadows
Peace is with me when you are next to me
Or in my bathroom
Either way, I have fond memories
Such a sweet person to gaze upon
And yes, I gaze
Cause it helps me catch my breath and realize what luck I have come upon
I can't mess this up. I like being happy
Lay with me?